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"What if its a disaster?" Sara asked as she got into bed. "Its not going to be a disaster," Jared said. "Youre going to be great." "But what if Im not? What if Im just average? Maybe thats what they were trying to tell me. Maybe thats the lesson." "Theres no lesson, and youve never been average," Jared said, joining his wife under the covers. "Its just your first day of work. All you have to do is show up and be yourself." He shut off the lamp on his nightstand and reached for the nearby alarm clock. "What time do you want to wake up?" "How about six-thirty?" Sara paused. "Actually, make it six-fifteen." She paused again. "Five forty-five. Just in case the trains running late." "Shhhh, take a deep breath," Jared said. He propped himself up on his elbow. "Its okay to be nervous, but theres no reason to get nuts." "Im sorry. I just" "I know," he said, taking her hand. "I know whats riding on this oneI remember what happened last time. I promise you, though, youre going to be great." "You think so?" "Absolutely." "You really think so?" "Sara, from this moment on, Im choosing to ignore you." "Is that a yes or a no?" Jared pulled one of the pillows from behind his head and held it over Saras face. "I refuse to acknowledge that question." "Does that mean were done talking about work?" Sara asked, her laughs muffled by the pillow. "Yes, were done talking about work." Jared straddled his wife, keeping the pillow on her face. "Uh-oh, someones getting kinky." Sara tried to pull the pillow away, but she felt Jared press down even harder. "Cmon, thats not funny," she said. "Its starting to hurt." "Stop whining." "What?" she asked. He didnt respond. "Im serious, Jared. I cant breathe." She felt him moving forward on her chest. Her left shoulder was suddenly pinned back by his knee. Then her right. "Jared, whatre you doing?" She grabbed his wrists and dug her nails into his arm. He only pressed down harder. "Jared, get off me! Get off me!" Her body was convulsing now, violently trying to knock him from his perch. As her nails tore at his arms and legs, her lungs lurched for air. But all he did was hold tight. She wanted to stop fighting, but she couldnt. Choking on her own tears, she called out his name. "Jaaared!" she sobbed. "Jaaared!" Jolted awake, Sara shot up in bed. Her face was covered in sweat and the room was silent. Jared was asleep next to her. Just a dream, she told herself, trying to stop her heart from racing. Its okay. But as she put her head back on the pillow, she couldnt let it go. Even more than the others, this one felt real. Her fears, his response, even his touch. All so real. It wasnt about Jared, though, she told herself. It was about work. To prove it to herself, she pressed her body up against her husband and wrapped an arm around his chest. He felt warm under the covers. Clearly, it was about work. She took a deep breath and squinted at the clock on Jareds nightstand. Two more hours, she realized. Only two more hours. * * * "Heres what I want," Jared said to the redheaded man behind the counter at Mikes Deli. "A sesame bagel with most, but not all, of the seeds scraped off, a light schmear of cream cheese, and a coffeevery light, with one spoon of sugar." "Thats nice, dear," Sara said. "While youre at it, why dont you just ask him to suck the nougat out of the Snickers?" "Dont give him any ideas." The man behind the counter started on Jareds order. "In my whole life, Ive never seen a man who gave more instructions for a stinking bagel and coffee. Youd think it was a work of art or something." "Mikey, by the time youre done with it, it will be," Jared said with a wink. "Dont suck up to me," Mikey said. He turned to Sara. "Now what does the normal half of the family want?" "Whatever you want to get rid of. Just make it excitingnothing plain." "See, now thats why youre my favorite," Mikey sang. "No headache, no pain-in-the-ass demands, just normal, considerate" "Are you the manager?" a gray-haired woman with large glasses interrupted. "That I am," Mikey said. "Can I help you?" "I doubt it. I just want to register a complaint." She pulled a coupon from the pocket of her LOVE IS A PIANO TEACHER book bag and thrust it across the counter. "This coupon says that I get one dollar off a box of original flavor Cheerios. But when I checked the shelves, I saw that youre out of this item and that the coupon expires tomorrow." "Im sorry, maam, but were a very small store with limited space. If you want, youre welcome to use the coupon on the other flavors of Cheerios. We have multigrain, and honey-nut, and" "I dont want any other Cheerios. I want these Cheerios!" the woman shouted, causing everyone in the small grocery store to turn and look. "And dont think I dont know what youre doing. When you print up these flyers with the coupons, you hide all the items in the back room. That way we can never redeem them." "Actually, maam, we just dont have the space to" "I dont want to hear your excuses. What youre doing is false advertising! And that means its illegal." "No, its not," Sara and Jared said simultaneously. Surprised, the woman looked over at the couple, who were still waiting for their bagels. "Yes, it is," she insisted. "When he sends out those coupons hes making an offer for his products." "Hate to break it to you, but an advertisement isnt an offer," Sara said. "Unless it specifies an exact quantity or indicates exactly who can accept it," Jared added. "Uh-oh," a man in line behind Sara and Jared said. "I smell lawyers." "Why dont you both mind your own business?" the woman snapped. "Then why dont you leave our friend alone?" Sara said. "I didnt ask for your opinion." "And our friend didnt ask to be talked down to like he was a piece of garbage," Sara shot back. "Now, as a Cheerios lover myself, I can appreciate your frustration, but we dont go for that kind of unpleasantness here. Instead, weve taken a new approach: Its called acting civilly to each other. I can understand if you dont want to participate, but thats the way we play it. So if you dont like it, why dont you make like a coupon and disappear." As Jared fought to contain his laughter, the woman sneered at Mikey. "Youll never see me in this establishment again," she seethed. "Ill live," Mikey said. With a sniff, the woman turned and stormed out of the store. Mikey looked over at his two favorite customers. "Make like a coupon and disappear?" "What can I say? I was under pressure." "It did get her to leave," Jared pointed out. "Youre right about that," Mikey agreed. "Which means breakfasts on me." * * * Fifteen minutes later, Sara and Jared were crammed in the middle of a packed-to-capacity subway car. Sara was dressed in her best navy-blue pantsuit, while Jared wore a frayed Columbia Law sweatshirt and a pair of jogging shorts. A long-distance runner since his early years in high school, Jared still had his athletic build, although a small bald spot on the back of his head made him feel far older than he looked. With his suit packed neatly in a trifolding backpack, he began every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with a half-hour run. "Thats not a bad way to start the day," Jared said, pressed tightly against his wife. "Your first day on the job and you already have a victory." "I dont know," Sara said as the train pulled away from the Fifty-ninth Street stop. "Theres a big difference between cranky piano teachers and actual criminals. And if past performance is any indication, this job is going to be an even bigger loser than the last one." "One stupid incident at one hotshot law firm means nothing about your value in the job market." "But six months of lookingcmon, Jared." "I dont care, youre going to be great." Sara rolled her eyes. "Dont give me that look," Jared added. "I know what youre thinking and its not true." "Oh, so now you think you can read my mind?" "I dont think I can read your mindI know I can read your mind." "Really?" "Really." "Okay, then, lover boy, take your best shot. Whats going through my panicky little brain?" Jared closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "I see great unrest. Great neurosis. No, waitI see a handsome, brilliant, casually dressed husband. My, my, my, is he a good-looking one. . . ." "Jared. . . ." "Thats his nameJared! My God, were sharing the same vision." "Im serious. What if this job doesnt work out? The article in the Times. . ." "Forget about the Times. All it said was that the mayor was announcing budget cuts. Even if it leads to layoffs, that doesnt mean youre going to be fired. If you want to be safe, though, you can call Judge Flynn and" "I told you last night, Im not calling him," Sara interrupted. "If Im going to stay here, I want it to be because I deserve it, not because someone called in a favor." Jared didnt argue the point further. Since they had first met, Sara never wanted special treatmentno professional favors, no help. Her independent streak ran deep: When Jareds uncle had offered to put in a good word so she could get an interview at his law firm, Sara had refused. To Jared, her logic was irrational and counterproductive. But Jared thrived on connections; Sara despised them. "Im sorry I even brought it up," he finally said. "Besides, if this job doesnt work out, you can always find another." "No. No way," she insisted. "My psyches taken enough of a beating." "Thats exactly what I was about to say," Jared backpedaled. "No more psyche-beating for you. Theyre going to love you here, and theyre going to realize youre a genius, and unlike Winick and Trudeau, theyre never going to fire you. Starting today, theyre going to fan you with giant feathers and baby-fresh-scent perfumes. Youre not going to have to worry about the budget cuts and the butterflies will never swarm in your stomach." "Let me ask you something," Sara said with an affectionate smile. "Do you really believe all the noise that comes out of your mouth?" "Im a defense attorney. Thats my job." "Yeah, well youre making the rest of us lawyers look bad." "Youre not a lawyer anymorestarting today, youre a DA." "And that means Im not a lawyer?" "Once you go to the district attorneys office, you become a vampire. All youll care about is arresting and convicting innocent people." "Says the man who helps guilty criminals go free." "Says the self-righteous DA." "Says the man who will never again have sex with his wife." Jared laughed as the train pulled into the Fiftieth Street stop. "Says the woman who is always right and never wrong and should never again be doubted." "Thank you," Sara said. He kissed her thena lingering kiss. "Youre going to miss your stop," she said, pulling away. The doors of the train closed. "Dont worry," Jared said. "Today Im taking it downtown." "You have some work in court?" "No," he said with a grin. "I just want to check out a new jogging path. I figure Ill start at the courthouse and work my way back to the office." "Wait a minute. Youre going to run an extra thirty blocks just so you can walk me to work?" "Its your first day, isnt it?" She couldnt help but smile. "You dont have to do that." "I know," Jared said. * * * When the number nine train arrived at Franklin Street, Sara and Jared got off and joined the throngs of commuters who filled New Yorks overcrowded streets. The September morning was warm and bright and as close to sunny as the Manhattan skyline allowed. "All set?" Jared asked. "All set," Sara said. "They have no idea what theyre in for." "There we gothats what I like to hear." "In fact, if I get any more excited, I may get in another fight just for fun." "Okay, hon, but no more than two a day." "I promise," she said. "Thats my limit." Jared gave his wife a quick kiss, then took one last look at the woman he loved. When they first met, he was captivated by her deep green eyes and expressive eyebrowshe thought they made her attractive in an understated way. He also loved the fact that she wore no makeup except for a stroke of blush. Remembering the moment, Jared turned away and started his jog to work. "Good luck!" he called out over his shoulder as he headed up West Broadway. "And dont forget: Youre smarter than everyone!" Watching her husband wave good-bye, Sara laughed at how goofy he was. And within a minute of leaving him, she also realized how wrong he was. Now Sara was alone. And the butterflies were swarming. Tucking a stray curl behind her ear, Sara tried to get her bearings. She was the only still point in a flood of people, all in dark suits, all with briefcases, all in a hurry. All lawyers, she thought. Steeling herself with a tightened jaw, she headed forcefully toward Centre Street. "Kill the butterflies. Kill the butterflies. Kill the butterflies," she whispered to herself. * * * At 80 Centre Street, the drab brick building that was home to the Manhattan District Attorneys Office, Sara followed her mental map toward the elevators at the back of the building. As she headed down the dark marble hallway, what seemed like an army of men and women in navy-blue suits pushed past her at a frantic pace. A man carrying an armful of files bumped into her and continued on his way. A woman in a pin-striped suit chased him. "Dont forgetwe have the Schopf hearing at two!" she yelled. Another man, pushing a small cart full of files, wove his way through the morning crowd shouting, "Late for court! Late for court!" Frenzied and bleary-eyed, some of them looked like they hadnt slept in days. But if there was any doubt that being an assistant DA was one of the most sought-after jobs in the city, one needed only to look at the six-month waiting list to interview for the position. Watching each of the tiny operas that played out around her, Sara felt her panic give way to excitement. After six long months, the law was once again animated and alive. This was why she wanted to work in the DAs officeher old law firm, with its rafts of blasé young associates in Italian suits, never had anything like this vitality. To some, it was chaos. But to Sara, it was the biggest lure of the job. On the seventh floor, Sara passed through a metal detector and walked down a wide hallway with faded blue industrial carpet that reminded her of her old junior high school. Following the room numbers as she searched for her office, Sara couldnt help but notice that plastic dry-cleaning bags hung from every available hook and decorated almost every single coatrack in the twisting hallway. Not a good sign for free time, she thought as she reached room 727. The room number was painted on the translucent glass window of the heavy oak door, and no one was sitting at the desk outside the office. Feeling no need to wait, Sara opened the door and stepped inside. Her office was exactly what she expected: a large metal desk; a Formica credenza that held an outdated computer; a Leatherette desk chair; two metal folding chairs; two large metal filing cabinets; a bookcase filled with New York statutes, sentencing guidelines, and other legal books; and a coatrack, with dry cleaning hanging on one of the hooks. Typical government office. "Sara Tate, right?" A stocky young man entered the office. "Thats me," she said. "And you are . . ." "Im Alexander Guffyour TPA." Noticing the blank look on Saras face, he added, "Trial prep assistant." "Which means?" "Which means I do whatever you need me to do. At the very least, Im your secretary. But if you want to take me under your wing, Im your assistant, your right-hand man, your boy Friday, the Jimmy Olsen to your Superman, the Watson to your Holmes . . ." "The Captain to my Tennille?" "Yeah, something like that," Guff said with a laugh. Guff was short and stocky, with bushy black hair that reminded Sara of a Brillo pad. His round face and pug nose were accentuated by his slouched posture, which made him look like he had a slight humpback. "I know what youre thinking," Guff said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "No, I dont have a humpthis is just the way I stand. Im a nervous kid and this is an outward symptom of my internal anxieties. And just so you know, I also like to stuff my hands in my pockets. It helps me think." "Whatever makes you happy," Sara said with a shrug. "See, I can already tell I like you," Guff said. "You see it, you say it, you let it rest. Thats a good sign. Well get along." "Are you always this blunt?" Sara asked. "This is just the way I am. Sometimes people like it, sometimes I creep people out." "So thats the nutshell, huh?" Sara asked, taking a seat at her desk. "Im the new boss and youre the witty assistant?" "Do I look that obvious to you?" Guff asked, pulling out a chair and sitting down opposite her. "I havent decided yet. Keep talking." She wanted to ask him about the budget cuts, but she still wasnt sure if she could trust him. And she wasnt about to open up quite so fast. "How long have you lived in the city?" she added, trying to get more information. "Only since I graduated from college, which makes a little over two years. Personally, Id prefer living at home and saving some money, but Im in the process of revolting against my suburban upbringing." "Oh, you are?" Sara asked doubtfully. "And youre doing this how? By working in the DAs office?" "Of course not. Im doing it by just existing. I mean, look at me. With this posture and this messy clump of hair, would you know that my father is a doctor? That my mom drives carpool?" "Give me a break," Sara said. "You sound just like my husband." "So the rings for real, huh?" Guff asked. "Real for six years." She tapped her platinum-and-gold wedding band against her desk. "See, thats just my luck," Guff said. "All the good ones are taken. I can never meet someone whos on her own, who isnt a psycho, who doesnt want to set fire to my futon, who" "Who digs suburban anarchists who think theyre much more rebellious than they are?" Leaning back in his seat, Guff laughed. "No offense, Guff, but the entire female population is not plotting against you." "Tell that to my Beatles collection and my missing stereo. I mean, my life is proof to the contrary." "Uh-oh, chronic paranoia. Does that mean youre also a conspiracy nut?" "Depends how you define nut. Im not a fan of the overused conspiracies that Hollywood keeps recycling, but I do believe there are some unexplained phenomena we cant answer. For example, take your typical deck of cards. If you add up the number of letters in the words ace, two, three, four, all the way up to jack, queen, and king, you get the number fifty-twothe same as the number of cards in every deck." Sara paused a moment. "So?" "Secret code, baby. Believe the hype." Sara shook her head, amused. "Dont blame meits all in the upbringing." "With that, I actually agree." "Of course you dowere all the product of our families. Thats why you have to tell me about yours. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Are your parents crazy-insane like mine" "My parents were both killed during my first year of law school," Sara interrupted, stopping Guff in midsentence. "They were on their way back from a day trip to Connecticut when they hit a patch of ice," Sara explained. "Their car slid across the road and plowed into an oncoming van. They died instantly." "Im really sorry. I didnt mean to" "Its okay," Sara said, forcing confidence into her voice. "You couldnt have known." "But I" "Guff, please dont worry about it. Everyone on this planet has a memory theyd rather not recall. We just happened to hit mine early. Now lets move onwe were having a good time." Noticing the embarrassed look in Guffs eyes, Sara realized he was genuinely upset. It was clear he felt awful that hed hurt her. That was all Sara needed to see. This was a good guy. Now she could open up. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "Any word around the office about that article in yesterdays Times?" "You saw that, huh?" "Its not good, is it?" Guff paused. "Maybe you should go see Monaghan," he said, referring to the district attorney. "Dont do that, Guff. If you know something, tell me." "All I know is the mayors trying to shrink the number of city employees by announcing across-the-board budget cuts for all city offices." "Does that mean Im going to be fired?" "I dont know about you specifically, but when layoffs hit in this office, the last ones in are always the first ones out. And since the moment I walked in this morning, the office rumor mills been buzzing like crazyaccording to a guy on the elevator, all the new hires are supposed to be automatically on notice." "No ones told me a thing." Guff pointed to the metal tray on Saras desk. "Thats why they call it an in-box. Im sorry, Sara." Sara snatched up the single sheet of paper and read through a memorandum addressed to the entire staff of the Manhattan District Attorneys Office. According to the memo, the mayors recent announcement "will require us to reevaluate our current staff size. In keeping with the historical precedents of this office, decisions will be made proportionately among support staff, trial assistants, and attorneys. While these decisions will be difficult for all involved, we expect that this period of reorganization will not interfere with the day-to-day operations of this office." "I cant believe this," Sara said, her voice cracking. "I cant lose this job." "Are you okay?" Guff asked. "Im fine," she said, unconvincingly. "I just dont understand it. Why now?" "Are you kidding? We have an election coming up next year. The mayors no dummyhe knows big government is out. And by not favoring one department over another, hell look efficient, fair, and industrious all in a days work. Its a political coup." Sara put her hands behind her neck, trying to massage away the tension. As she tried to organize her thoughts, her mind was reeling. This was even worse than she expecteda wrecking ball against her ego. Why is it happening again? she wondered. Why isnt it ever easy? Feeling self-pity wash over her, Sara remained silent. "Sorry. I didnt mean to ruin your day so quickly." For a long minute, Sara didnt say a word. But when she realized that she couldnt just sit there and sulk, self-pity slowly gave way to defiance. What would Jared do? she asked herself. No, dont do it like that. This isnt his. Its yours. Its yours and its not so bad, she thought. Youve been through worse. Much worse. At least here, its not final. At least here youre not alone. At least here you can use your brain. Thats what he said: Youre smart. Youre smarter than everyone. Looking up at Guff, Sara broke her silence. "When do you think Monaghans going to take action on the memo?" "Probably a week or two. Why?" "I want to know how much time I have." "Sounds like you have a plan." "Not at all. But it took me six months to get this job, so Im not losing it without a brawl." Impressed by his bosss determination, Guff asked, "Then what do we do now?" "You tell me," Sara said. "Youre the one who works here." "All I know is you have to be in orientation until lunch, and I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, so we probably cant get started on a solution until tomorrow." "Terrific," she said, glancing at the clock on the wall. She looked back at Guff. "What do you think my chances are?" "My honest opinion?" "Of course." "Then let me put it this way: If I were a betting man. . ." He paused. "What? Tell me." "Id put my money on another horse." * * * It was only one in the afternoon when Sara arrived back at her office, but her face was already showing signs of exhaustion. Although the four-hour orientation session was supposed to be a simple and informative introduction to the DAs office, Sara spent every hour of it worrying about who would be the first to go. Still trying to figure out the answer, she collapsed in her seat. Before she could even catch her breath, the phone rang. "This is Sara," she answered. "Well?" Jared asked. "How is it? Ive been calling all morning, but you havent been there." "Thats because within my first hour of work, I found out Im going to be fired." "You were fired?" "Not yetbut Monaghan announced layoffs this morning and everyone thinks Ill be the first to go." "Says who?" "Says my assistant. . ." "What does your assistant know?" ". . . and my orientation leader," Sara continued, "and the woman who helped me fill out my paperwork, and the attorney I had to cross-examine during my mock trial, and the four other lawyers I met in the. . ." Her voice broke and her eyes welled up with tears. "Im not like you, Jaredit doesnt all work out for me. Thats why people think Im such a failure." "Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jared interrupted. "No one thinks youre a failure. This isnt anything personalits a budget cut." "But you know what comes next," Sara said. "More job searching, more interviews, more rejection letters. . ." "Shhhhhh, calm down," Jared said. "Youre going to be great." "The only one who thinks that is you." "Thats not true. Pop called me first thing this morning to ask if you won your first case yet." "Jared, youre talking about my grandfather. Hes not exactly an unbiased source." "It doesnt matter. Youre still going to be fantastic." "No, Im not. Im not prepared for" "Hunter College, magna cum laude." "Big dealits a small city school." "What about Columbia Law School?" "My parents paid the dean to get me in." "No, they didnt," Jared said. "And even if they did, didnt you do well there?" "I guess." Sara shot from her seat and walked around to the front of her desk. "Damn, why am I feeling so sorry for myself? I sound like Im in high school. Change the subject. Whats going on there?" "Nothing," Jared said. "Ill tell you about it later." Sara raised an eyebrow. "Tell me about it now." "Its not that important." Something was wrong. "Jared, you better not be doing what I think youre doing." "Which is what?" "Which is hiding good news just because youre worried about me." "Im not hiding anything. Its not even that big a" "See, I knew it. I knew thats what you were doing. Now spill it." Reluctantly, Jared gave in. "When I was coming back from lunch, Wayne came up to me and told me I was, quote, on the right track." "Wayne?" Sara asked, excited. "As in Thomas Wayne? Did he say when theyd vote on you?" "The general consensus is that Ill be up for partner within the next six monthsdepending on how much business I bring in." "Thats fantastic," Sara said. Jared didnt respond. "Dont tell me youre still worried about bringing in business," she added. "Thats why I didnt want to bring this up now. . ." "Jared, I appreciate what youre trying to do, but I can handle two things at once. Now stop hiding and start talking. What about the list we made? Whos left on that?" "No oneI tried them all. Our alumni associations, the chamber of commerce, the synagogue, the church, the Ninety-second Street Y, the Democrats, the Republicans, the Kiwanis Club, the Rotary Club, the Toastmastersif they have a newsletter, Ive put an ad in it; if they have a meeting, Ive sat in on it. I just dont understand why its not working." "Honey, I know youre not used to being human like the rest of us, but its okay to admit that somethings actually a challenge. That doesnt mean its your fault." "I disagree. Theres got to be something Im overlooking. Maybe I should dress a little more casually next timejust so they dont feel like its a hard sell." "You never stop, do you?" "Not until I figure it out. Theres always a solution." "Now youre suddenly bold?" "Im always bold." "Jared, the only reason you wear your slacks uncuffed is because your dad still does." "That has nothing to do with a lack of boldness. The uncuffed look is elegant. Its flawless. Its in." "No offense, dear, but you have no idea whats in. And if it wasnt for me, youd be equal on all sides." "Are you calling me a square?" "All Im saying is, were no closer to solving the problem." Just then, Guff entered her office. "Who wants to save their job today?" he sang. "Give me one second," Sara said to Guff, putting her hand over the mouthpiece. "Jared, I really should run." "Everything okay?" "Yeah. Hopefully," she answered. "And by the way, thanks again for listening." "Are you kidding? Thats my pleasure." Sara put down the phone and looked up at her assistant. "I asked a question, campers: Who wants to save their job?" "Whatre you doing here?" Sara asked. "I thought you had a doctors appointment." "I just heard Transportations letting three hundred people go, so I decided to cancel it. If this thing is moving as quick as I think it is, I couldnt let you twist in the wind." "And howd you know I wouldnt be out at lunch?" "Once again, I must thank that wicked queen I call deductive reasoning. I figured if you were serious about staying on board, youd be back here, pulling your hair out. And judging by the redness of your eyes, Im right." "Youre pretty smart for a suburban kid." "All lifes lessons can be learned at the mall. Now are you ready to start? I think I know how you can save your job." "You do?" Sara asked. "Well never know if we sit here all day." Sara threw Monaghans memo in the garbage. "Guff, I really appreciate you canceling your appointment. You didnt have to do that." "Listen, this morning you treated me like an equal, and that means a lot to me. Considering I usually get crapped on by most of the women I meet, thats enough to keep me loyal for life. Now lets get out of here." Sara followed Guff to the door. "Where are we going?" "To the courthouse across the street. If you want to be an ADA, you have to get a case." © Brad Meltzer |
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