THE SOPRANOS Reviewed by Brad Meltzer (These reviews originally appeared on e.findlaw.com, and the best part of the deal was, Brad got to watch each episode a week early!) Go to Episode Review: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 February 27, 2000 EPISODE 7: Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire Mobster? Have you ever wanted to be Batman? And I'm not talking about just putting on the cape and the utility belt—I'm talking about the whole package—the dual identity and everything that goes with it: living as a rich playboy during the day; dressing up as the sado-masochistic fear-inducing pain machine at night. Chock full of contradiction; ripe with complexity—it's a nice idea, but it's tough to pull off. I mean, living two lives, never letting them touch... I'm no Dr. Melfi, but that can't be good for the brain. With this complexity in mind, our examination of this week's episode opens with a simple multiple choice question: which of the following adolescent rituals, when performed by Anthony Jr. (Tony's son), is the most distressing to his mobster dad: * Crash the car. * Smoke pot in the house (during his confirmation!). * Talk back to his parents. * Ask his parents, "What's the purpose of life?" So what's the answer? You guessed it, Monty—D it is. Indeed, when Anthony Jr. reads The Stranger for class, Dr. Melfi quickly realizes, "Sounds like Anthony Jr. stumbled onto existentialism." "F***kin' Internet," Tony moans. And so begins Anthony Jr.'s quest to introduce existentialism to America's favorite TV mob family (after The Golden Girls). It's a bold endeavor—I mean, I've heard of mob comedies (Mickey Blue Eyes) and mob dramas (all the rest of them), but mob existentialism? That's a toughie, all right, but somehow, the writers pull it off. In many ways, it all starts back at the multiple-choice question itself: Tony isn't mad that his son crashed the car—buy he's plenty enraged when his son asks, "Why were we born?" And when his son says that "death just shows the absolute absurdity of life," well. . . 'dems fightin' words. Whatever else Tony may do with his own life (rob, kill, bribe), he's not gonna have his son use blasphemous talk like that! To the viewer, it's a sledgehammer lesson in inconsistency—the mobster law-breaking dad demanding morality from his wayward son—but it's also just the start of the contradictions that are to abound. Later in the day, we see Tony getting advice from the best-named character ever -- Big Pussy -- on the subject. Lowering a copy of the newspaper, Waste News (Waste News!), Pussy explains that Anthony Jr. has to "learn the value of things"—at which point Pussy hands Anthony Jr. a dollar and adds, "Here—get a soda." From there, we go from Grandma Livia (who tells Anthony Jr. that his dad can "Go shit in his hat," then quickly adds, "Don't let me ever catch you talkin' that way."), to Christopher (who wants to be a Hollywood player, but can't stop being a mobster), to Christopher's Hollywood buddy, Swingers director John Favreau (playing himself) (who wants to be a mobster, but can't stop being a Hollywood player). From there, it's on to Favreau's assistant Amy (who is attracted to Christopher's uncanny emotional strength, but ultimately becomes the dominator of the relationship), and then back to Christopher (who, though trying to always be the tough guy, caves and admits to Amy, "I really liked you" right after she dumps him). From there, it's back to Big Pussy (who, even though he's Anthony Jr.'s godfather, is still going to wear a wire to his godson's confirmation), to Anthony Jr. himself (who thinks he's an existentialist, but pronounces Nietzsche as "Nitch."). And the contradictions even carry over ultimately to Frankie, the imaginary star of Christopher's screenplay (as Christopher elaborates, "When Frankie says, 'I don't know whether to shit or go blind,' he's at a crossroads."). Needless to say, it doesn't take a roomful of Great Literature Ph.D.s to tell us he's not the only imaginary character at a crossroads. In fact, this point is echoed : Hollywood producer Amy sits at the vanity in the marble bathroom—her full reflection in the large wall mirror and her close-up image in the smaller magnifying one. It's not just that she's two-faced; it's that she's got two faces (there is a difference). And that's why it comes as no surprise when Adrianna, while watching TV, is staring mindlessly at that video where the musicians are driving around wearing Area 51 alien masks (and you can see it's nothing but a cheap Halloween mask—dual identity, anyone?) (I wish I knew the name of the video, but I'm not that cool anymore—curse the fact that I slipped out of that MTV demographic years ago). Regardless, the message is the same—contradiction, contradiction, contradiction. Anthony Jr.'s confirmation party is going on downstairs...the family gets together for a picture...Tony calls out, "Where's the godfather?" ...and Pussy's upstairs, crying hysterically in the bathroom, heartbroken by the wire that's strapped to his chest. Outside, Christopher has to decide if this is the life he wants for himself. It's Hollywood vs. Jersey, but whatever he chooses, he knows he's getting a knife in the back. Might as well get a little family with it (and let's not forget the irony in the fact that Christopher starts his flirtation with Hollywood by having sex with his cousin's girlfriend—join the "fake" family (Hollywood) and that's when you start betraying your real one). It's a far cry from full-on capes and cowls, but in the end, you can't help but get the feeling that every one of these characters is leading a double life (like Pussy's wife says when she's getting ready for the confirmation: "Will you let me in already—I have to put my face on.") If you want to be a mobster (whether it's the New Jersey or Hollywood version), this episode makes one thing clear: you're gonna have to go down and get fitted for a mask. In these parts, you can't survive without it. So what is the real purpose of life? Or to put it more in context, which side wins the Betrayal Cage Match—family man or mobster? To get the answer, Anthony Jr. goes straight to the top—the matriarch herself, Grandma Livia. Her response: "The world is a jungle. And if you want my advice, Anthony, don't expect happiness—you won't get it. People let you down, and I'm not naming any names, but in the end, you die in your own arms." Spoken like a true nihilist. Existentialism, indeed. (Did I just say "Existentialism, indeed"? Forget the utility belt—I'm gonna get me a tweed suit!). LAW-BREAKING MOMENT OF THE WEEK: Spilling acid on a girl you're fooling around with, when you find out she's a man (twisted, eh?). © Brad Meltzer Previous Episode | Next Episode